Why is it important to understand how family dynamics change as a child becomes an adult?
Carole Cox, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Why is it important to understand how family dynamics change as a child becomes an adult? As a child becomes an adult, the family dynamics must change because the adult child is seeking freedom and ways to further emancipate themselves from their parents as they work to find their way in the world. Resetting boundaries and establishing new relationship dynamics through reevaluating child/parent expectations, communication, and other things like how much time they spend together is important to avoid conflict as a child continues to grow into an adult. Understanding why these relationships need to evolve is important if a parent/ adult child wishes to maintain their relationships into adulthood. The best time to address relationship dynamics and their influence is when there is an important life cycle change and adjustment that is necessary for an individual and their family members to transition to a newly defined structure. At times, this transition can challenge the established family patterns, beliefs, roles, rules, and structure to create a new life as a college student, spouse, employee, and so on. This is often a good time to examine outdated dynamics. It is important to address these transitions through a “wide angle lens” when looking at the tasks of children becoming adults and the influences each system has on the dynamics in the family of origin. Here are a few basic family dynamic components that most families need to renegotiate:
How we communicate with one another
How we spend our time with one another
Who we share information with (keep it inside the family or share with outsiders)
Who is responsible for what: distribution of chores/tasks/who contributes and how personal space in the home
What are at least 7 outdated relationship dynamics that will likely change as a child becomes an adult?
1.Expecting the child to prioritize family: When a child is younger and living with the family, they’re expected to spend time with the family and prioritize their immediate family unit over other things. This is dynamic becomes outdated as a child grows into an adult because they’re gaining their own independence through work, school or other means. As the child becomes an adult, they’re emancipating themselves from their parents to learn who they are in adulthood. The focus for the young adult is wanting more independence and less help from their parents.
What to do instead: Have a discussion about changing boundaries and expectations. While they’ll definitely want to continue spending time with their adult child, they should work to communicate and collaborate with their adult childs desired schedule. Be open and curious about your adult child’s life, interests, friends and new activities and opportunities they’re pursuing. Showing support through open communication and establishing that you recognize that their needs around family time are different now than in adolescence will go a long way to build trust as your relationship evolves.
2. Parent’s expecting the child to share everything with them: As a child, a parent might expect there to be full transparency in the relationship. This can be necessary to keep a child safe while growing up and to help the child navigate situations with friends, school etc. A parent’s instinct is to protect their child, but as they grow into, this can become problematic when the adult child wants to have a sense of privacy and not share everything about their life with their parents. This can be frustrating for parents who feel that they’re being left out while the child is just learning where that boundary lies as they enter adulthood.
What to do instead: Stay connected and involved and let your adult child know that you are available for them without prying or insisting on being involved in every aspect of their life. It is normal for adults to change the boundaries that were set by parent’s when they were kids. It’s also natural for a parent to feel left out as these expectations and boundaries change. Should a parent become upset over feeling left out, it’s good to communicate and express those feelings like “Hey, I know you’re growing up and this is part of it, but this is just something I’m struggling with.” Being honest about your feelings will also encourage your adult child to keep their boundaries, and could strengthen their trust in you as a parent who loves and supports them. Adult children also need to be understanding of the fact that while you’re growing up and changing, your parents relationship with you is evolving as well and that can be difficult.
3. Trying to fix all of your childs problems for them: As a parent, you want to be there for your kid as much as you can. And growing up, this often means stepping in with problem solving skills that they don’t have just yet. Parents of adult children may feel the need to continue to try and solve their problems for them. This can be problematic as the adult child is trying to navigate and build the appropriate skills needed to survive adulting.
What to do instead: Put on your listening hat instead of your problem solving hat. Say your adult child calls you with a situation that you feel you should help problem solve. Before offering up solutions or ways to go about resolving the problem, ask them what they need from you. A simple “Do you want me to help or just listen?” can go a long way.
4. Having a say in how they spend their money: When a child is young, their parents are their source of money/security. At this stage the parents want to have a say in how much of their own money the child is spending and what they’re spending it on. If this mindset doesn’t change as a child moves into adulthood, it could definitely cause some friction between parent and child. As the adult child becomes established with their own job that funds their life, the parent shouldn’t judge/ attempt to dictate how they’re spending they’re own hard earned money.
What to do instead: Offer guidance, if their adult child is open to it, on ways to navigate the financial world. Learning how the best ways to spend, save and budget can be daunting and having someone who has done it for longer offering advice can be helpful. Side note, something that can help prepare young adults for this is parents teaching them the cost of things at a younger age. Learning the cost of things like groceries, utilities, internet, and so forth so will help the child prepare for spending in adulthood and already have an idea of what it means to be independent.
5. Expecting to be a part of big life decisions like career and relationship choices: Growing up, parent’s help kids make big decisions all the time. Whether its helping a toddler choose what to have for breakfast or helping a highschool student weigh the pro’s and con’s of what college to go to, parents are typically pretty key voices in those decisions. This could be problematic when adult children are making big life decisions and parents attempt to dictate or give input where it isn’t asked for.
What to do instead: Honor your adult child’s choices and the boundaries they set around them. If they come to you for advice, great but if not, be supportive even if it’s a choice you may not have made yourself.
6. Expecting your child to reflect your values, morals and beliefs When a child is young, they model a lot of things about themselves after their parents. Parents/Caregivers are the most important people in a kids life, and it makes sense that they’d begin to see the world through their values, morals and beliefs. As a child continues to get older, throughout high school, college and into adulthood, they begin to find themselves and change how they view themselves, the world and what they see as important. This could be a source of contention should a parent’s political, religious, economic or social views differ from their adult child
What to do instead: Recognize that your child’s beliefs won’t always align with yours. Do not impose your values on them or try to force them into choices that you would make but they wouldn’t. That is a great way to have limited or no contact with your adult child. Support your child the best that you can and if you choose to discuss these differences, do it in a respectful way. Having conversations to try and understand your adult child’s perspective can be a great way to learn more about their beliefs/ values. Adult children should return that respect and understand that this could be another aspect of growing up that could be difficult for a parent. They might need time to understand your different point of view, and initiating conversations to discuss why you believe what you do (if you’re comfortable with it) can be greatly beneficial to both parties.
7. Disciplining your child when you feel they’ve done something wrong: In childhood, receiving discipline from a parent is part of life and helps kids learn right from wrong. As a child grows into an adult, they’ve (hopefully) established that moral compass and know right from wrong. This could become a point of contention should a parent believe that they still have the righ to discipline their adult child when they do something that the parent doesn’t agree with.
What to do instead: Come to terms with the fact that your child is a grown adult that is responsible for their own decisions. Just because those decisions may not always be something you agree with, you do not have the right to attempt to punish them. Be understanding of those differences and work to accept the changing boundaries around your relationship.
What can parents of adult kids do if they are struggling with this transition?
1. Establish open and honest communication: Having feelings of sadness or struggling with your child becoming an independent adult is natural. Many parents can still see their child as their little baby in need of support/ guidance. Expressing those feelings to your adult child can be helpful. Having clear communication about what you’re feeling while also recognizing their boundaries lets them know that you’re working through this change in expectations and roles.
2. Enlist the help of a counselor: Life transitions can be hard, especially as your adult child is emancipating themselves and growing into their own person. Seeking support from a third party who specializes in helping with these kinds of life transitions can help bring guidance toa parent who may be struggling.
3. Change the relationship narratives and communication patterns: Make agreements that the following types of communication will not be allowed: negativity, judgement, contempt, comparing your adult to others, or blaming/shaming: focus on positivity, calmness, curiosity and respect and be open to new ideas and options and “agree to disagree” if there are differences
4. Have regular check ins with your adult child: Establish weekly check ins to show your support and determine the appropriate level of involvement needed from you. Encourage independent decision making and it is also helpful to normalize the tasks of making transitions in life. Establishing new or evolving traditions around holidays, or birthdays can be a fun way to continue to support your adult child while also respecting their new boundaries.
5. Give your adult child (and yourself) space: If you’re really struggling with these new relationship roles, taking a step back to gather your thoughts and motivations can help determine how you fit into this new family dynamic. Learning to let go can be hard, just as your adult child is learning how you fit into their adult life. Self-care, taking up new hobbies and maybe joining a new book club or community group can help ease the transition into this new parent of an adult child role.
How can children of parents struggling to cope/manage/set boundaries? Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. Clear boundaries help others know how to treat us and regulates the amount and type of contact a person has with others; defining who participates and how they participate.
1.Say no You always have the right to say “no”. When doing so, express yourself clearly and without ambiguity so there is no doubt about what you want. Use “I” statements: “I’m not comfortable with this” “I can’t do that for you” “This is not acceptable”
Practice saying no when you don’t want to do something.
You don’t have to explain yourself or offer an excuse. The following phrases are complete answers: “No, thank you.” “Thanks, but I can’t.” If someone you care about has violated your boundaries, you may want to give them more information. Here’s a helpful template to express your frustration: Use of “I” statements, the resulting feeling, a request and an appreciation: “I feel____________ when you use a harsh tone of voice with me, the result is that I shut down and stop listening. “I would prefer if you spoke to me in a calm manner, as this will help me to feel safe and I appreciate it when you do this for me.” “I am not comfortable with you showing up unannounced at our house..I feel imposed upon and unprepared for the visit. I would prefer that we establish a set time and days for when it is more convenient for me to have you visit, I would greatly appreciate that…is that all right with you?” Tip: remember that when we begin to change our boundaries with others it will feel awkward to us and might take some getting used to by the other person.
2. Be proactive and confident Think about what you want to say, and how you will say it, before entering a difficult discussion. This can help you feel more confident about your position. Using confident body language can help. Face the other person, make eye contact, and use a steady tone of voice at an appropriate volume (not too quiet, and not too loud). In some cases, a light touch can work if the other person is comfortable with this. Try to avoid texting and avoid the use of social media and getting others involved. Some of my clients actually script out what they want to say using the “I” statement template and get to feel comfortable and competent when they have the conversation without being in a state of extreme emotional distress.
3. Have the conversation when everyone is cool, calm and collected It is important to remember to not have conversations about boundaries/ needs and wants when you or your parent are in distress mode. If you are both being defensive and in a state of “fight or flight”, there will most likely be a harsh tone of voice, belittling, blaming and shaming language which will only serve to create resentment and no one wins. Create a time and a place that is neutral and when you are both calm and not in the midst of a crisis. These conversations should serve to educate the other party as to how you wish to be treated, what your needs are, and to allow the other party to express their needs and wants without judgment.
4. Be clear, concise and consistent in your boundaries, and set them early on: Setting boundaries with your parents early in adulthood is vital to setting and maintaing those expectation. This gives you a sense of empowerment and self-respect, ensures your physical and emotional comfort, will clarify individual responsibilities in a relationship. and separate your wants needs, thoughts, and feelings from those of others.
5. Have clear and reasonable consequences for crossing a boundary. If someone has a habit of talking over you, for example, you could say, “I feel disrespected when you talk over me. If you do that again, I’ll have to end the conversation.” Period…no explanation needed and if the other person reacts defensively, stop the conversation and repeat the statement again if needed. In the same vein, if you’ve set a boundary with your parent over topics you will/won’t discuss, finances etc, and they cross that boundary, establish your chosen consequence should the disrespect of your boundary continue. Setting boundaries with parents can be daunting, especially going from a child role (where you were taught to honor your parents always) to an adult who is finding their own footing. You can still set boundaries and honor your parents, you’re asking for them to honor you as well as an adult and individual separate from themselves.
Other tips: Practice saying no when you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to explain yourself or offer an excuse. The following phrases are complete answers: “No, thank you.” “Thanks, but I can’t.” If someone you care about has violated your boundaries, you may want to give them more information. Here’s a helpful template to express your frustration: When you ___________, I felt ______________. Please don’t ___________. _____________ is important to me. If you’re not used to asserting your boundaries, you may find yourself feeling awkward, scared, guilty, or nervous when addressing a personal limit. Give yourself space and time to build up your tolerance. You may also feel supported by breathing exercises, meditation, or talking with a trusted friend or therapist. Don’t be surprised if some people react poorly to your feedback. People who are controlling, manipulative, abusive, or who have unhealthy boundaries themselves may be triggered when you set a boundary. You can express your limits with compassion, but it’s not your job to make it okay for them.